Cobra (1986)

 

That filmposter is probably as close to perfection as one will ever get. Not because it is the most beautiful thing ever, but because it so perfectly nails what this film is: Stallone at his coolest, with everything dialled up to eleven. 

Masterful 80s action cheese, as one would say and it is glorious in all its chopped up glory. 

Stallone plays lieutenant Cobretti, a loose cannon in the police force, who only gets called when shit hits the fan, as his methods are about as dirty as the scum he apprehends, often with deadly force. 

He also drives a gorgeous tuned up Studebaker, always wears sunglasses and chews on a matchstick. You can be cool, but you'll never be this cool. Like, ever. 

Things are heating up in the city, as it appears there is a strange cult with a fetish for axes and other sharp objects planning to install a New World through fear. They have one man called the Nightstalker, who kills random people so regular citizens would cower in fear and terror. Cobretti discovers this through an intervention at a supermarket, where he takes out a deranged gunman with extreme prejudice, but the guy does flap his gums about this New Order. 

The plot thickens when a beautiful model, played by Brigitte Nielsen aka the woman with probably the longest legs in model history, sees the Nightstalker during one of the murders and now the entire organization is after her, because she could spell trouble for their plans. 

Oh, and did I mention that they're everywhere, even in the police force? If you already knew that, give yourself a pat on the back for that Screenwriting 101 course. 

Sure, the idea that now an entire organization of killers is hunting just one person and they mostly get shot up by Cobretti is just one of the highly illogical things to happen, but we came here to see bodies fly, guns fired and Stallone on coke being as cool as he can be. To hell with logic. And yes, the bad guys are extrememly generic save for the Nightstalker himself, played by Brian Thompson. He's one of those guys you'll instantly recognize, as he has one of those chiselled faces that crop up in a lot of films, very often as the bad guy. His over-the-top speech at the end where he uses the word 'pig' multiple times is so stupid, yet so memorable. Because of course this film has oneliners that are in essence horrendous, but they work so well within the context of such a story. 

"You're a disease. I'm the cure." 

Classic.

Now it is true that this film is edited and cut in such a way that there are numerous plotholes and just the plain sense is missing quite a bit. That is squarely the fault of the studio, as the original cut was about 2 hours and this is a very lean 80 minutes. But it all whizzes by at such a pace you barely get the time to catch your breath and it delivers on the action and cool. 

Fun fact: this sort of film couldn't get made nowadays. It is way too much a product of its time, but goth darnit, it's great fun. 

It would be a bold-faced lie to claim this is for everyone, but if you like 80s action coupled with Stallone doing what Stallone does best (snarl, look grittily into the camera and just kick ass), then this is definitely one for you.