Swamp Shark (2011)

 Yes, there is a plethora of sharkrelated films out there. Now, being a shark enthusiast, you would think that this was a good thing, right?

Right?

Alas, such is not the case, as most of the shark related productions are absolute tripe. And even though this one isn't completely awful, it does suffer from the one thing a film should never suffer from: boredom. 

Seriously, this film is so boring, it's more fun watching paint dry. And there's not nearly enough shark.

Somewhere in Louisiana, the local sheriff is doing shady stuff, dealing in exotic animals. Apparently, one such animal is a rare species of deep sea shark, but it makes such a rucus that the trailer it is in, breaks off of the truck and rolls into the swamp, thus letting the beastie out. And all that when there's Gator Fest and teenagers who want to bump uglies!

No, it does not get interesting. I just described the film in a more pleasant way than the viewing experience, trust me. 

There is also so much completely wrong with the entire idea. Yes, there are species of shark that can survive in sweet water. Bull sharks are known to do that on a regular basis, it is true. However, this is supposedly a deep sea shark, a species that will never come close to estuaries. Why would it be able to breathe in a swamp? Also, this shark can't be shot, because it is armoured like a tank. 

Let that sink in for a minute. 

There are armoured fish, yes. But deep sea fish are almost always weak in the body, in order to deal with the massive pressure. If this one is built as sturdy as this film wants you to believe, then it couldn't be a deep sea shark, because it would be crunched to the size of a pingpong ball. Also also: how and why would you catch such a creature in the first place? 

So, you're all hoping for some nice kills, because let's be honest: in these types of films, we never care about the characters and just want to see them all get eaten. Not much luck there either. There are hardly any kills and what's even worse: you don't even see anything. Sure, they stick the mindbogglingly awful CGI decapitation of a police officer in the trailer, because that was the money shot, but everything else is laughably horrendous. Close up of a prosthetic shark head (which looks nothing like the CG shark, I might add), people splash, drop some red dye into the water, rinse and repeat. 

Really, if you're going for a silly premisse, at least make it worth our while. 

You will not be able to remember a single character, except maybe for Robert Davi who plays the sheriff, because these films always need a recognizable face. 

Oh, and the shark gets killed by a swamp boat propeller. So much for that impenetrable armour then. 

This is not even fun when you're drunk, so feel free to gloriously ignore.