The Three Musketeers (2011)

 

Well, yet another adaptation of Alexandre Dumas' famous novel. Only this time, it stinks up to high heaven. 

Egads, this film is horrible. 

The story is roughly the same as every time (of course): young D'Artagnan wants to join the musketeers in Paris, they have been disbanded, Richelieu wants power, there is the impending war with England and Lady De Winter is a double spy. You know, the usual stuff. And you can do great things with this as has been proven in the past. 

So where does this one drop the ball so heinously? 

First off, the casting is atrocious. Our lead and the musketeers are all flat and boring. The only one who happens to have some semblance of character is Ray Stevenson as Porthos, but even so: his antics cannot save it all. Athos and Aramis are bland, almost like dough and wooden beyond belief. Logan Lerman as D'Artagnan is too cocky by far and just looks way too young. 

What's even worse: they hired actors like Christoph Waltz and Mads Mikkelsen and then proceed to do nothing of interest with them. Mikkelsen is just the big bad fighter and nothing more. The machinations of Richelieu don't make sense and he comes across as just a whimpering wuss instead of the genius mastermind he is. Another missed opportunity.

Orlando Bloom as the Duke of Edinburgh is another matter. I guess someone told him it would be a neat idea to crank it all up to eleven, as his overacting and foppish mannerisms are unbelievably irritating from start to finish. No seriously: who thought that overdoing an obnoxious little shit was a decent idea? 

Oh, and the king is portrayed as a complete nincompoop. Sure, he is meant to be young and insecure, but if you compare this one to say the 1993 version, then the latter is much more realistic and believable, whereas this one is supposed to be comic relief. Alas, he is neither comical nor relief. 

But let's just say that all this could be forgiven in some way or other. Then you would have gotten a mediocre adventure with no engaging characters. But no, they decided something else was needed, something that drills this one into the ground, because we can only suspend our disbelief so much. 

Care to know what it is?

It is the complete asinine idea that the fight scenes have more to do with martial arts and Matrix-style battles than actual musketeering and swordfighting. I am dead serious. Why would you do that? Just ignore the fact that it makes no sense whatsoever and that it is so far removed from what everyone suspects a musketeer-film to be. Who assumed this was what everyone wanted to see? The fact that this film tanked, is proof that people did not want to see hip and trendy ninjitsu moves, they wanted to see swashbuckling! 

Also, the plot is ass and the flying ships (yes, you read that correctly) are absolute bullshit. Again: who thought that would be a good idea? 

I daresay I absolutely loathe this film. Not because it takes liberty with the source material, that can easily be forgiven. But that this is an infantile piece of dreck that wants to be all hip and edgy and succeeds only in being boring, trite and trash. 

And for completely wasting Mads Mikkelsen. That is a capital offense right there. 

Watch at your own risk.