Red Sonja (1985)

 

Ouch. 

This one is, well, not good. But still it has that bizarre quality of being charming and alluring, almost as one who knows stroking a rattlesnake is not a good idea but one would like to try anyway. 

After the massive success (and rightly so) of 'Conan the Barbarian', producer Dino de Laurentiis of course wanted a quick follow-up. So he tricked Arnold Schwarzenegger into playing a cameo that de Laurentiis expanded and cut corners in the budget, thus leaving the world with a film that has a good idea, but poor execution. 

Sonja's family is murdered and she herself raped by soldiers of the evil queen Gedren. She then vows to hate all men and only give herself to a man who can best her in combat, which is pretty tricky as she spends years perfecting her combat skills. Meanwhile, Gedren is looking for a talisman that always reminds me of the Loc'Nar from 'Heavy Metal' in that it is a big glowing green orb that destroys things. Gedren and her troops slaughter the priestesses that guard this talisman and one of the girls is Sonja's sister. Dying, she is found by Kalidor (Schwarzenegger), who rushes to Sonja. Sonja now vows to get her revenge on Gedren, but wants to go at it alone. 

Of course Kalidor follows.

She also comes across young prince Tarn of a ruined city called Habloc and his servant Falcon and this band goes off towards the land and castle of Gedren for a final reckoning, before the talisman is so powerful that it can destroy the entire world.

No pressure.

On paper, this would be an awesome tale, but several things are lacking, alas. It seems to be that director Richard Fleischer wasn't the best choice for directing, because you need someone like John Milius to fully embrace the madness that is this sort of fantasy and play it deadpan straight. Here, a lot of dialogue and action comes across as way too jokey, which doesn't help one's suspension of disbelief. 

But probably the worst offenders are the actors, as they are pretty much all terrible. Brigitte Nielsen absolutely looks the part (even though the hair extensions are weird), but her delivery is stilted and she has all the emotional range of a dead fish. Even Arnold is slumming his way through his lines, as if he was just performing a contractual obligation (which probably was the case). But his heart isn't in it. The same goes for Sandahl Bergman, who is hamming it up but not enough to be so over the top that it becomes enjoyable. It falls somewhere in between, and in truth: she is not that imposing or memorable a villain.

But the worst offender in this film and most grating character until Jar Jar Binks has to be Ernie Reyes Jr as prince Tarn. It's not his fault, he was like 7 at the time, but the director clearly should have helped him more, as he is inanely obnoxious all the time with a whiny voice and arrogant demeanour. I get it, the character is supposed to be a spoiled brat, but this is painful. 

So no, this is not a good film, not even close. And yet, it had so much potential and you can't help but stare at it like one would a trainwreck. 

You know what this story needs? A decent and hardcore remake. Roberto Rodriguez planned to do one, but that unfortunately fell through. But please won't someone try and give this tale the version it deserves?