Snake Eyes: GI Joe Origins (2021)

 

So, Hasbro is going to try and create something of a shared universe between several of their properties like 'MASK' and 'GI Joe'. I guess everyone wants some of that sweet Marvel music, right? 

But here's a thought: if you want to get people invested in your franchise, maybe make a better film than this one to kick things off. Because this, my dear friends, isn't very good. There are several reasons for this. 

If you were familiar with the GI Joe toyline and cartoon during the 80s, you will most likely know that the two favourite characters of pretty much everyone were the good and bad ninja Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow. Ninjas were all the rage back then and their design was just cool. 

Personally, I always gravitated towards Cobra Commander, because his metal visor thingy was brilliant and he was voiced by Chris Latta who was also one of my favourite Transformers (Starscream). The fact that both of these characters continually lost has nothing to do with my warped personality, I can assure you.

Anyway...

We meet our protagonist as a young boy who sees his father killed after a rigged throw of the dice, revealing two ones, aka snake eyes. 

Wow. Thàt's how you're going to explain his moniker? Really?

Fast forward and Snake Eyes is now a prizefighter in illegal bouts, because of course he is. He is hired by a Yakuza who claims to know where his father's killer is, but then Snake Eyes weirdly betrays said Yakuza to protect another guy called Tommy. This Tommy is in fact the heir to the Arashikage family in Japan, who are mighty shinobi and they train Snake Eyes, even though he's an outsider. But actually Snake Eyes is in kahoots with the yakuza boss to steal something from the Arashikage in return for his father's killer. 

Wow. What a hero. 

He actually does steal the thingamajig, but then goes to stop the yakuza even though he helped that guy all along, but only because Cobra is suddenly behind the yakuza, Snake Eyes has a change of heart? And at the end all of a sudden his 'brother' Storm Shadow is suddenly expelled from the family and instantly becomes evil? 

What. The. Actual. Clusterfuck?

The film does get some things right. The Japanese locale looks great and mysterious, even if they do go a bit too much for the clichéd 'temple/house in the forest very close to a neon lit city', but whatever. I can even get behind the casting choices, as - to be fair - all people involved look their part. 

But everything else is an absolute mess. Character motivations swap at the drop of a hat for no rhyme or reason, the biggest offender is the ending where they suddenly have to turn Storm Shadow evil, even if he's actually been the honourable and honest guy the entire time. It also doesn't help that in spite of nearly everyone being Japanese, most speak English all the time even when they're not talking to other English speaking people. This makes little sense. Snake Eyes is a horrible hero to root for, as he is a complete arsehat all the time and just does douchebag stuff, but in the end, we're supposed to cheer when he finally dons his famous suit (which also comes from out of nowhere)? 

I don't think so.

In fact, the entire GI Joe idea and characters seem to have been an afterthought for what would otherwise be yet another generic action film. It's not as though the inclusion of this franchise helped this film in any way. Heck, why on Earth is the Baroness ( a classic villain from the franchise) here? Just to make sure that we're still in a 'GI Joe'-film. The same goes for Scarlett, who - in spite of being top tier in the Joe organization - comes  without any backup? Couldn't afford any other characters, ey? 

In short: this is an absolute mess of a film, with a hero who is a douche. This isn't even that entertaining as a random action film. It is boring, bland and for fans of the property it claims to be based upon aggravating and annoying beyond belief. 

Skip!