Samurai Princess (2009)

 

Japanse splatterfilms are something of an acquired taste. You'll either go bananas over it or think it is the most horrendous thing you've ever seen. However, if you can stomach it, films like 'Tokyo Gore Police', 'The Machine Girl' or the like can be quite entertaining and memorable. 

Alas, this one isn't. In fact, it is so forgettable and - dare I say it? - inept, that you are very likely to simply forget it as soon as you've seen it. 

A group of eleven schoolgirls (who are clearly all in their 20s. No, you're not fooling me, Japanese ladies who eternally look young) is brutally raped and hacked up by a band of colourful samurai of sorts. This is all done at the behest of two immensely overacting androids, who have a penchant for bodily modification and dismemberment. In comes a supernatural nun and a scientist and they forge a new girl out of the remains and souls, who then wants revenge on the bandits. 

Yes, it can be that simple sometimes.

The problem isn't the apparent lack of an intricate story, more the lack of any coherent structure. The film starts off promising enough, with blood and guts flying everywhere, yet then it grinds to a screeching halt with pointless exposition that doesn't lead anywhere and an attempt at character building that goes even less anywhere. Insert a completely pointless sexy dream sequence and then it's off to the final showdown with a reconstituted android that feels enormously underwhelming. The end. 

The practical effects are okay, yet they feel rather derivative and truth be told: the other J-Splatter I mentioned have better effects in this department. The CG is laughable, but that could be forgiven if the story or acting was somewhat consistent, but nope: no dice. The bad guys overact in such a way they become more than annoying. Of course, Japanese films often have a character that overdoes it which is supposed to become more comedic, but here it is plain annoying. Our leading lady is so wooden it isn't funny anymore. Yes, she's an android, but holy mackerel, a dead fish has more expression. And the action is undercooked and chaotic as all hell, leading up to a horrendous final fight where one of the actors is clearly hampered by the prosthetics, as he/she is hardly able to move except for waggling their head. 

At least it's mercifully short at barely 80 minutes, but even then it is a bit of a slog. Only for the die-hard fans.