Cyborg 2: Glass Shadow (1993)

 

You know how some films are an absolute trainwreck, but you can't help but keep on watching because in spite of all the imperfections, it still baffles and boggles the mind? This is a prime example. 

Heck, as a film in itself, it is pretty atrocious, but there are scenes and things in here that will make you shake your head in absolute disbelief and because of that, it actually can be pretty entertaining, if you're up for this sort of thing. 

Also: very first film of Angelina Jolie, who was apparently 17 at the time. Remember this little tidbit of information, it will become important later. 

Supposedly a sequel to Albert Pyun's 'Cyborg' (with Van Damme), this only references the first film through a couple of extremely randomly inserted snippets. We're still in the future, and two massive companies vye for domination on the robot market, even though the world is pretty much fucked. One the one hand there's Kobayashi in Japan (that was actually the best name they could come up with) and Pinwheel in the US. Pinwheel has perfected a liquid explosive that they inject in their sexy female cyborgs to go boom when opportunity knocks. 

There is a demonstration in the beginning, which feels as though the entire board of directors is just sitting together watching porn on a massive screen. No really: they are watching a couple bang the everloving shit out of each other and when the girl (who is a cyborg) climaxes, she literally goes boom. 

How's that for opening minutes?

After that, the story truly becomes weird and pretty much obsolete. Miss Jolie is Casella Reese, a new cyborg destined to blow up Kobayashi headquarters, but she doesn't want to and her trainer Colt Ricks is suddenly in love with her and gets her to escape with him. Yes, this romance comes out of nowhere. Why do you ask? 

This also gives rise to the best scene in the film, where Casella kicks two guards' backside, grabs one of their guns and throws it to a third guy, who falls over and proceeds to shoot down the other guards arriving. 

No, I didn't make a typo: that is exactly what happens. You can close your mouth now. 

Casella and Colt are then sort of herded by a mysterious face (Jack Palance!) who talks through tv-screens, even ones that aren't plugged in. 

Again: yes, you read that correctly. No, it doesn't make sense. Nothing really does here. 

Casella and Colt are now also hunted by some insane bountyhunter, but except for a sort of illegal fight near the end doesn't amount to much. After this, Casella and Colt escape to Mombasa of all places to live happily ever after. Well, Casella will, as she will never age, of course.

And the explosive? Never mentioned again after the escape. 

There's a lot to unpack, but suffice to say the story makes no sense and it isn't helped by pretty random editing. It's mostly just Jolie and Elias Koteas running from one place to the next, spurred on by Palance and followed by a gleefully hammy Billy Drago. Because who else would you hire to play a psychotic killer but mister Drago? But everything is so ridiculous and some scenes are so completely batshit insane, you can't help but watch. Jack Palance seems to be having the time of his life for the few moments he is on screen, but especially Drago goes all the way to eleven and then some. It's weird, all over the place and I love it for this. 

But is it any good? No. Not by a mile. But if you like abject failures in film, this is one of those golden cookies. 

And in case you're wondering why I mentioned that Angelina was only 17 at the time of filming: she has a rather protracted love scene with Elias Koteas near the end, where her assets are clearly on display and it isn't a body double. Knowing her age at this time, this feels wrong on several levels. But hey, at least her career picked up quite a bit after this one, so there's that?