Conan the Destroyer (1984)

 

You know how sequels usually get progressively worse, because studios want a quick cashgrab and dole out less budget yet expecting the same returns and everything suffers?

Well, that is 'Conan the Destroyer' in a nutshell. In fact, this one was received so poorly, it killed the franchise. Great job, guys. You might have had something akin to James Bond, with a new film every two years or so, but you screeched to a halt with only your second outing. 

Yeesh.

This takes place a while after the events of the first one and now Conan is rather well known as an excellent thief and warrior. He is tasked by queen Taramis to guide her young niece to a jewel that will unlock a vault in which lies the horn of the dreaming god Dagoth. Taramis wants to resurrect this god. Conan only agrees to this because Taramis claims she can bring back the love of his life Valeria. Along the way Conan, the girl Jehna, her guard Bombaata and Conan's sidekick Malak pick up Akiro (the wizard from the previous one) and a female warrior named Zula. 

Of course Taramis is double-crossing Conan. What did you expect? 

They come across a wizard by the name of Toth-Amon who guards the jewel and take care of that little problem before Bombaata betrays them and takes Jehna back to Taramis to be sacrificed for Dagoth. But you can already tell that Conan and his friends are going to stop it all, right? Right?

So storywise, this could have worked. Sure, it focuses more on magic and adventure but that is understandable. The first one was a very clear revenge tale and now Conan has to explore new avenues. But it's on a lot of other levels that this film starts to fall apart. Schwarzenegger is still his charming self, so he's fine. Wilt Chamberlain as Bombaata is also okay, even if he doesn't have a lot to do. But the problems start with several other characters. You can't really blame Olivia d'Abo as princess Jehna, as she was 15 at the time, but I do blame Tracey Walter for being the most annoying sidekick in a long time. His Malak is so grating, unfunny and annoying, he pulls you out of the story every single time he is on screen. 

I honestly cannot express how much I loathe that character. It's not even hate, it's more like pure, unbridled disgust. 

It also doesn't help that this film tries to have jokes and comedy in it. Now there's nothing wrong with a laugh or two, but sword & sorcery doesn't really need it. Again, it robs you of the atmosphere. Drunk Conan is a hoot though. But still, it doesn't work at all. You can't be playing this deadpan seriously and then have an awful joke the next second. It just doesn't mesh. 

The editing is atrocious, especially during the fight scenes, so you'll miss quite a bit of the action as they decided to cut away from most of the gore. You know: for the kids. But now it all feels so sanitised and boring. The choreography is also all over the place and there isn't a single fight where you feel there's something real on the line, whereas the previous one only had epic fights beautifully shot. 

Oh, and everything on screen looks and feels cheap. Is it the cinematography or in effect cheaper sets? Can't say for sure, but it all screams 'bargain bin'. Whereas before there were things that felt real, this all feels like it was set up in your local amateur theatre - never a good sign. 

There are two standouts in this film though. One is the score by Basil Poledouris, who returns and once again does a great job. It's not as memorable as his previous score, as this feels more lighthearted, but the themes and new pieces fit the character of Conan. The second is the casting of Grace Jones as Zula. She works really well as this feral warrior and she has the looks to match. So full points there.

In the end, 'Conan the Destroyer' is a massive letdown and more akin to the cheap sword & sorcery trash that was so rampant in the 80s, instead of another epic story. A real shame, as with a bigger budget and better casting this could have been another strong project. As is though, it's an absolute mess.