Conan the Barbarian (1982)

 

"Conan: what is best in life?"

Pretty much this entire film, if I'm honest. If there is such a  thing as a quintessential sword & sorcery flick, this one ranks ridiculously high on the scale. It is just a damn fine thing, complimented by an epic score and a project where literally all the pieces click. 

Egads, it is good.

Rather loosely based on the works of Robert E Howard, this tells us the tale of how a young Conan became the warrior everyone knew him as. So naturally, we kick off when a band of raiders attacks Conan's village, slaughtering all the adults and leading the kids away into slavery. 

You know, as a wholesome tale does.

They are brought to a device called the Wheel of Pain, which looks like a mill powered by humans. Through the years, most of the kids die, but not Conan. He grows mighty strong from pushing this contraption and is eventually bought and used in gladiatorial combat. Heck, he even gets excellent training and schooling before being set free. This now gives him the opportunity to go after the people that slaughtered his parents, as he still remembers their sigil: two snakes facing one another. 

Turns out this snake cult led by Thulsa Doom is invading every city and stronghold. Conan, his friend Subotai and Valeria (a female warrior who possibly kicks more ass than the other two) decide to rob one of the temples. They get away with it, but are captured and brought before King Osric, who tasks them with finding his daughter, who is apparently enthralled by Thulsa. 

So yes, an epic showdown will follow, but Conan and his friends will have to go through some ordeal in order to finally get that much coveted revenge. 

What this film does so masterfully, is tell the tale purely through visuals and music. Honestly, there's hardly any dialogue at all in a film that is about two hours long and you don't miss a single conversation. What dialogue there is, only serves to further the plot or introduce someone/something, but mostly our characters don't speak, as they don't need to. The roles are pretty clear cut: relatively good versus despicable evil. And the best part is that mostly everything flows very naturally from one event into another. 

The cast is spot on. Sure, this was a vehicle for Schwarzenegger, but it did work and honestly? There were few actors or people that could embody the Frazetta aesthetic as much as Arnold could. The extensive training they all had to undergo also made sure that the movement during fights looks legitimate and most fights are choreographed very well. Sandahl Bergman is an excellent choice for Valeria as she moves with an insane grace. 

Makes sense as she was a very accomplished dancer.

James Earl Jones was also a great choice for the villain, as the man not only has a most impressive voice, but just a commanding presence. They made him rather otherworldly, with straight hair and blue eyes, as if he was one of the last descendants of Atlantis. Most of his crew are footballplayers or bodybuilders, but they just need to look big and menacing, not do any dialogue. It works.

Massive shoutout to the production design by Ron Cobb as well, as throughout the film, you get the feeling that despite its fantastical premisse, this could all have taken place in a forgotten part of history. Seriously, it all feels and looks authentic, so you never get pulled out of the dream. 

Oh, and the music by Basil Poledouris is one of the best soundtracks to a film you will ever hear. If you ever need pieces of music that perfectly fit the bill 'epic', then this is it. I urge you to check it out and if you can, buy it. It is totally worth it. 

You could deride this film as being a masculine fantasy and you would be partially right, but that doesn't take away from the grandeur and craftsmanship that this one displays. It is - in every sense of the word - an absolute classic and deserves all the praise it gets.