Commando (1985)

 

They sure don't make them like they did during the 80s. My goodness, the absolute nostalgia for those massively over-the-top action films, where things exploded at the drop of a hat; where the heroes were supermen, impervious to bullets; where henchmen got mowed down by the hundreds and reloading was optional; where oneliners flew around and oiled muscles where the height of aesthetics...

Aaah, excuse me while I sniff some nostalgia. 

Oh, and highly recommend 'Commando'. 

Is it - by neutral standards - a 'good' film? No. But is it enjoyable? Hell to the friggin' yes. 

The plot is exquisitely simple: Arnold Schwarzenegger is a retired commando who lives in peace with his daughter. When she is kidnapped by a former South American dictator, Schwarzenegger is tasked with killing the current president of this fictional country or his daughter dies. Instead, he flips it around and decides to hunt down the evildoers in the roughly eleven hours he has left, leaving nothing but death and destruction in his wake. 

Yes, that really is the plot. Don't you just love it when things are easy? 

Of course you're not going to get Shakespearean levels of acting here, but that isn't the point. Hell, Scharzenegger (our intrepid hero slash absolute god) is introduced whilst carrying a honest-to-god tree! And in the short runtime, we get fistfights, firefights, explosions, more firefights, car chases, even more explosions and then there's the final showdown on an island with nothing but explosions and gunfire.

What do you mean: this sounds like a boys' film? 

But it's so irresistible, and that is because it exactly is so enormously over the top and silly. Of course, my prepubescent self lapped this stuff up, because guys like Schwarzenegger, Stallone, Lundgren and Van Damme played the heroes we all strived to be: incorruptible, absolutely badass and witty, all at the same time. 

The Schwarz fires off oneliner after oneliner and it is relatively fair to say this film kicked off his catchphrase period. "My friend is dead tired."; "Remember how I said I'd kill you last? I lied." or "Let off some steam, Bennett.": classics. But Arnold isn't the only thing that's memorable about this one, because some of the villains are equally wonderfully over the top. Bill Duke is probably the grimmest of them all, but that's also because the guy has one of those chiselled faces that can scream menace. However, the one man that hams it up to eleven and is having the time of his life is Vernon Wells as Bennett, blessed with a most excellent mustache and the world's most bizarre mesh vest ever. Seriously: check Arnold's showdown with him and wonder in awe at how much scenery Wells can chew. 

It is bafflingly enjoyable. 

You will not watch this for the acting, but for the ass-kicking and in that department, this one more than delivers. Hell, as far as quintessential 80s action, this is one of the must-sees. Enjoy!