Moonraker (1979)

 

Right off the bat: this is one of the worst Bondfilms. Even though I love Roger Moore as Bond and the obvious cash-in for 'Star Wars' isn't the most horrendous thing ever done, this film really is awful. Believe it or not, it has to do with silliness. 

Now all Bond-films have some degree of silliness in them. Heck, even the overall concept lends itself well to shenanigans. But here, the jokes are unfunny, the nods and winks are grating ànd they turned one of the more memorable villains into a kidfriendly oaf. 

Yuck.

The film starts off great, though. During a Transatlantic flight, a jumbojet is supposed to deliver a space shuttle to Europe, but the shuttle is hijacked and the plane completely destroyed in the process. Billionaire Drax of Drax Industries, designer and manufacturer of the Moonraker shuttle, is not pleased. The British government sends James Bond over there to try and figure out what the heck just happened. These first 30 minutes or so are excellent. There is a lot of tensionbuilding, some quips and at first, Michael Lonsdale comes across as a cold and calculating villain. It's fun. 

And then, they head to Venice. And it is here that the film suddenly takes a sharp turn to some of the worst the fanchise has to offer. 

A boatchase in the Venetian canals becomes supposedly funny when Bond suddenly turns his high-speed gondola into a hovercraft cruising along the San Marco Piazza. They even have the gall to flip the shot of a pigeon several times as if the bird is having a "WTF?" moment. It is as awful as it sounds. Not only that, but when Bond goes to investigate a glassblowing factory, there is a secret lab. Guess what the accesscode sounds like? 

The melody for 'Close Encounters of the Third Kind'. 

No really. I wish I was making this up.

Drax is creating a lethal toxic gas that instantly kills humans, yet leaves animals alone. Can you guess where we're heading with this?

Of course you can. 

Then it's off to Brazil, because reasons. And there is a scene where Bond is dressed as a gaucho, riding along to the tune of 'The Magnificent Seven'... 

Egads, this is all horrendously unfunny. A film that has to pat itself on the back with these finds just to shove your face into the "Look how funny we are! Aren't we funny?" will always be horrible. 

In any case, Drax launches several spaceshuttles to his camouflaged space station, from whence he will launch a deadly assault, killing all humans on Earth and repopulating it thanks to his perfect specimens he has gathered on the station. But of course a battle ensues (in this case also in space) and his plans will be thwarted once again. 

Funny enough, the story itself is fine. We all knew Bond would have to go to space at one point in the franchise, so that is not the problem. Neither is Roger Moore or Bondgirl Lois Chiles as Holly Goodhead. 

Yes, Goodhead. They all find this name to be the most "Oo-err!" of all the Bondgirls, but I just keep thinking they already had Plenty O'Toole and Pussy Galore, so you decide which is worse. 

But it's all the unfunny jokes, the nods and winks to other franchises, the reckless abandon with which the film thinks it can get away with all this crap that really irks me to no end. Also, instead of being this hulking, unstoppable silent killer, Jaws is now relegated to comic relief. I am not kidding: he survives horrendous things almost as if he were in a Tom & Jerry cartoon, funny faces included and just shirks it all off. And then for no real reason, they turn him into a good guy right at the end! Why? How? What? 

So you see, I will not berate this film for trying to cash in on the 'Star Wars'-craze, because at times, other, more derivative films have given us fun results. But I will berate this one for being painfully unfunny, going more for idiotic comedy than thrills and for shamelessly nodding at other franchises when there is absolutely no need. There's a reason why in the long run, the most clichéd version of a Bond-villain in other media is moulded after Michael Lonsdale's performance here, believe me. In the end, there is nothing really memorable about this one, except that it just isn't any good.