Diamonds Are Forever (1971)

 

After the quite excellent 'On Her Majesty's Secret Service', the producers of the Bond-franchise were in a bit of a pickle. See, George Lazenby did a faux-pas and was ousted from being Bond. So who to get next? 

They decided to play it safe and get Connery back, at an exorbitant fee. It wasn't their most inspired choice, as Connery clearly was fed up with the role and it shows throughout this entire film. He was also woefully out of shape. You feel he didn't care for any of it. 

Next to that, the story on this one isn't all that wonderful either. 

As everyone can gather from the title, this story revolves around diamonds and the smuggling thereof. It seems as though a lot of stones go missing and now Bond is the man to try and figure out just what the hell is happening. This leads him to Amsterdam and an American smuggler called Tiffany Case. Bond pretends to be a fence called Peter Franks and together they head for the US, where the diamonds will be sold off in Las Vegas. 

Here, the plot becomes a little muddled. There is something about the elusive millionaire Willard Whyte, something with a satellite and two really bizarre hitmen that take out pretty much every smuggling link for whatever reason. Well, it turns out that all these diamonds are being hoarded by Bond's major foe Blofeld (now played by Charles Gray) for use on the satellite. Because of course the satellite isn't just any old thing, but a space laser designed to hold the world at ransom.

Because of course. 

'Diamonds Are Forever' is without a doubt one of the most forgettable entries in the series. That isn't just due to Connery's disinterest, even if that is blatantly obvious. No, the story in itself is rather convoluted and confusing. It almost takes threequarters of the runtime to start making sense, which is never a good sign. Also, the entire diamond-plot is rather boring. 

Not only that, but some parts make no sense whatsoever. The moonbuggy chase? Why on Earth was that in there? It is by far the weakest chase scene in a long time and it lacks any excitement. This goes for most of the fights and chases, by the way. The car chase in Vegas itself is also pretty bog standard and not shot in an interesting manner. They also introduce the real Willard Whyte late in the film and he gets nothing to do except be an obvious Southerner. 

Blofeld's plot is extremely run-of-the-mill and it is rather bizarre to now see Charles Gray as the character. Not only that, but now he all of a sudden has a number of doppelgangers? That don't amount to anything, by the way. Even the final assault on an oilrig is actually rather boring. 

Who really gets on my nerves are Mr Wint and Mr Kidd, the two wacky hitmen. They don't fit in the story and are so weird and played in such an oddball manner, you will either love or hate them. I'm afraid that for me, it is clearly the latter. They never seem like a genuine threat and the uncomfortable way in which their gay relationship is played for laughs feels horrendously outdated and sleazy. 

Does this film have any redeeming features? Well, Jill St John as Tiffany Case is a fun Bondgirl, as she is entertaining, even if she doesn't get all that much to do. And what really is wonderful is the title song, once again sung by the incomparable Shirley Bassey. But that is about it. 

So, this one is an entry that you can definitely skip. You won't be missing much.