Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

 

It's always tricky when studios decide to reboot franchises that are well-loved, even to the point of fanaticism. Now of course, the Turtles have been brought back in various iterations throughout the years, but mostly in cartoons, where people are a little more forgiving at times. To be quite fair, the CG Nickelodeon series is actually pretty good. Don't forget: the original cartoon was all kinds of silly as well. 

Now a live action film is an entirely different thing. The third installment, 'Turtles in Time', will leave a sour taste in anyone's mouth who saw that abomination. It is rightly panned across the board, but luckily, we'll always have the first two. But doing this again raised a lot of suspicions whether or not they could pull it off.

Well, they didn't quite make it, for a couple of nitpicky reasons.

This is basically the origin story all over again, but this time with the focus on April O'Neil, played by Megan Fox. She is once again a news reporter and sports her bananacoloured raincoat, so nice wink there. Heck, this film is full of winks and nods, but it's a shame they managed to screw up so many other things. You see, the Turtles' origins are changed vastly, as they were now sort of April's pets in her father's lab. Why did the filmmakers suddenly need this connection? The other stories didn't need it and it does feel just a little convoluted.

Did I say a little? I meant heaps.

The Foot Clan is now a paramilitary organization instead of ninja warriors, which I can actually get behind. It makes more sense in the modern day and age. The original Shredder (a wealthy businessman who grew up in Japan) also makes sense in a way. Yes, I'm taking about the character of Eric Sachs. He was the original Shredder, but after massive fan backlash, they reshot many scenes, now making him useless and pointless and now some random Japanese guy is the Shredder. Great work, guys, you just made it all worse. 

Anyway, they need mutagen to create a cure-all, after which they can - drumroll - take over New York. But the only mutagen still left is in the bodies of our turtle friends. And then it all culminates in a battle where some doohicky is about to disperse gas across the city.

Sounds familiar? It should. Almost every actionfilm of this time used the same contrived means to an end. Remember 'The Amazing Spider-Man'? 

This films does try at times, oh how it tries. It's a shame it fails on so many levels. The story is incoherent, the action shaky, the villain's motivations make no sense whatsoever: it's just a mess.

Also, character and designwise, there are some very bizarre choices. Splinter is now a total dick to his adopted sons for some reason. And he apparently learned ninjitsu through reading a book. 

Let that sink in for a moment.

Ready?

What also looks horrible, is this new mecha-Shredder armour, that makes zero sense. Would a master in martial arts really use a robotic suit that is so cumbersome and heavy, only CG could possibly make it light? The same goes for the turtles, by the way. Why on Earth do they have so much crap hanging from their shells and why do they all look like Miami Beach juiced-up bodybuilders? Especially Donatello makes no sense whatsoever with all his gadgets. 

Check the first film again: they were muscular, but sleek and it all made more sense. And you could easily recognize them all. The original Shredder's costume also made sense, because it was mostly practical. (no way in hell that cool helmet is ever practical, but it did look samurai-style) And now the fightscenes are more 'let's jump and skedaddle all over and forget the martial arts' instead of easily to follow and well choreographed fights. This is often the problem with CG: it all looks too weightless. Remember kids: in the originals, there were people in the suits that did all the moves and it still looks awesome to this day. 

I am however glad to say that the voicework for the turtles was actually pretty good. Sure, Raphael was overly gruff at times, but that is just a minor fret. 

This feels as though they were going for the serious route, but it's a film about walking, talking turtles. You can get a little silly with it. Which is what they did with the follow-up and honestly? That one is a better film, even with it's myriad of flaws yet again. 

This film is an assault on the senses and kids will definitely enjoy this. But it is also easily forgotten. Maybe that's the worst sin of all.