Batman & Robin (1997)

 

I wish I could say this one has at least one redeeming quality. I'm afraid I cannot. I tried to find something worthwile, but let's just say it as it is: this is one heck of an awful film. Almost everything, from casting, design, story: it's all a mess.

The story in itself is laughable: Poison Ivy wants to kill all humans and repopulate the world with plants and Mr Freeze wants to cure his wife, but needs money to do so. Why would they work together? No one knows. The writers sure as hell don't know. This all leads to painfully overacted scenes that go nowhere, with a climax that is about as deflating as a needle straight to a balloon. 

If you feel my story synopsis is woefully short and non-descript, it's because it is. But there is nothing more to say about the story.

Literally the only actor who is at least trying to bring something to the part is Michael Gough as Alfred. He does his best, even though what they have in store for him is insulting, to say the least. But George Clooney clearly doesn't care. He could have been a decent Batman, but he is so disinterested in the part, you might as well replace him with a cardboard cutout. 

But hey, there's Uma Thurman, who went to eleven in the overacting department here. She is trying to be campy and funny, but fails in every respect. Her horrendous line readings don't help. Arnold Schwarzenegger is obviously having fun as Mr Freeze, but when the entirety of your dialogue is comprised of ice puns, well... It does start to grate a little. 

See, the film's biggest problem is that they were aiming for the campy and over the top tone of the Adam West serial, but they failed to get what made that show work. For all its silly antics, the 60s Batman was fun, because they people involved knew it was silly, yet made it look serious and convincing, thus adding to the overall experience. Adam West played Batman with a straight face, because he knew that pretending to be deadly serious in silly situations makes the comedy hit harder. Here, they don't even come close. You can tell that no one is invested in their role and so they all bring their worst to the table. If you though Uma Thurman was horrid, then wait until you see the non-acting of Alicia Silverstone. 

Aargh, if even Joel Schumacher apologized profusely for this one... 

To be fair: the flashy sets look great in their over-the-top way and this film is ridiculously quotable, but that is due to the horrendous nature of said quotes. Little kids might enjoy this one because it is so flashy, but for adults, you'd better be drunk as a skunk or stoned out of your mind to enjoy this. And even then it's a stretch. 

Heck, watching this is perilous for your health. 

And I won't even start on the absolute disgrace that is the depiction of Bane, completely missing everything that makes that character fun and engaging.