Transformers: The Last Knight (2017)

Even though the Bay Transformers-films were never high art, I can still find a lot of enjoyment in them. But for me, the first and third will be the best. The fourth is okay, the second is passable even though it is a mess. 

But this one sucks the big monkeyballs in the sky. It really is thàt bad. 

Apparently, thanks to a massive dosage of retconning, Transformers have been on Earth since the time of king Arthur, who now suddenly was a real person. There is some sort of staff, which is Cybertronian tech, that is meant to protect the Earth from Quintessa, some evil creator of the Transformers. She is now headed to Earth with Cybertron to revitalize the planet. And she has turned Optimus into an evil instrument to do her will. All the while the government is hunting Cade and the remaining Autobots. 

Oh, and Earth turns out to be Unicron. Who knew? (insert sarcastic comment here)

What they were thinking with this one, I have no idea. Suddenly there have been generations of socalled 'Witwiccans' who kept the history of the Transformers on Earth a secret. The last in line is Anthony Hopkins, who is hamming it up to eleven, together with his robot butler Cogman, who I swear is even more annoying than Jar Jar Binks. 

Yes, I know what I just said and it's true. 

Characters do stuff just because, there is no rhyme or reason to any of this, Quintessa could have been a cool villain but is totally wasted, the Arthur-plot gets no resolution and the introduction of Unicron is meant to be sequel bait, but it fails miserably.

See, here is one of the major problems with this film: it juggles so many storylines, threads and characters that not a single one gets any closure. This one just throws stuff at you and hopes some of it sticks, but it doesn't. It also isn't helped by horrendous editing. If someone told you this was editied by a squirrel high on energy drinks and cocaine, you'd instantly believe it. 

The dialogue is even more dumb than usual, and considering none of the previous ones were close to Shakespeare, that says a lot. The stupid humour is back in spades, just when it started to become less integral to the plot. 

But worst of all? This one isn't about the Transformers anymore, just the humans and that sucks. Bringing back Josh Duhamel for that nostalgia is just lame and he's totally wasted. 

Nope, nope, nope. This one deserves to die in the fiery depths of hell. It is insulting to fans, is incomprehensible to non-fans and just is a complete and utter mess. In fact, I wouldn't even call this a film. 

And this coming from a person who is a devout Transformers-fan. (the toys and lore, not necessarily the films) Just rewatch the first one.