Aliens versus Predator: Requiem

Even though the 'Alien vs Predator'-film wasn't high art by any standard, it is still an enjoyable popcornflick. You can watch it and be entertained. 'Aliens vs Predator: Requiem' though, is like being served a plate of warmed up doggie doodoo and having your face shoved into it.

Yes, this one is horrendous for a great many reasons and is probably the worst of all the 'Alien' or 'Predator'-series. (disclaimer: I haven't seen the latest Predator entry in the series and I don't plan to for fear it might replace this one as being the worst and I like my Predators, thank you very much)

Where to bloody start?

The story at first seems like a logical progression after the previous entry that ended with a Predalien bursting out of the young Predator. This one picks up right there. The ship returns to Earth for some reason and crashes in a North American valley, close to a town called Gunnison. We all knew that at one point the Xenomorphs would come to Earth, but we all damn sure wished it was in a better film than this. Anyway, the Predalien and facehuggers escape and instantly impregnate a hunter and his ten-year-old kid.

I guess the directors thought: let's be edgy and have a lot more gore! Let's be more edgy and kill kids! Hurrah!

Then we are introduced to a slew of characters that are so stock and flat, they should have been printed on paper, because it's the only thing that is more twodimensional than their portrayal. You have the reluctant sherriff, our 'hero' fresh out of prison, a returning soldier mom estranged from her daughter, and some teens that obviously have wandered in from the last slashertrend and ended up here. You will quickly notice how they are all idiots and you wish for them to die as soon as possible.

Now, that does feel like a staple for a slasher film and you'll be pleased to know most actually do die, but they are pisspoorly cast for something with Predators and Xenomorphs in it.

Oh, but it gets worse.

On the Predator homeplanet, an elderly warrior receives the distress call and suits up to deal with the problem. You would think this would be awesome and it should have been. But alas, this one gets his ass handed to him so many times and is such an incompetent hunter, I'm guessing they called for  Rambo and got Peewee Herman instead. Or the Ya'utja-equivalent at least. In his first encounter with humans, a police officer can just sneak up on him and he is uncloaked for the majority of his time on Earth! What.The. Actual. Fudge.

You will be doubly thrilled to realize that this film is so dark, you can't see shit. Which means you can't see much of this film, that might count as a blessing. Funny, because on the back of the DVD you can see the film was shot much brighter, but the arsehats that made this turned it so dark in post you can't follow anything. You get occasional flashes of things and choppy editing (as if the poor visibility wasn't bad enough). Good luck trying to follow anything. This also makes you lose interest faster than the boring characters will.

Have you noticed this film makes me angry?

Literally all the humans are idiots, leading to dialogue gems such as this one:

"People are dying!"
*meaningful pause*
"We need guns."

Oscar-worthy material right there, guys.

Now this film was marketed as being a lot bloodier and gorier than the previous outing. It is, but more gore does not a better film make. You would need a script, knowledge of editing and lighting and possibly talent. Upping the gore-factor does fuck all for this one, because it often comes across as simply being in bad taste. You thought violently killing a ten-year-old on screen wasn't enough? You'll love the scene in the hospital with babies and pregnant women. Classy, boys. Real classy.

Suffice to say that you will be glad this film is over if you had the courage to actually watch this. Even when you're drunk as a skunk, this will still be awful. This one makes the first 'AvP' look like a Stanley Kubrick masterpiece.

I actually feel dirty for watching this one again. Burn it with fire and rewatch the first two 'Alien'- or 'Predator'-films.