Alien: Covenant (2017)

After the mixed reception of 'Prometheus', which was an 'Alien'-film but not really, Ridley Scott made this sequel, instantly disproving that he wasn't making 'Alien'-films, because this one is a direct sequel to 'Prometheus' and is very much an 'Alien'-film.

Way to keep things different, Ridley.

Also: this film makes me angry. Not just because Ridley Scott went for the quick cashgrab and reliance on the brandname. Sure, 'Prometheus' wasn't great, but at least I can give the man credit for trying something different. Here, it's business as usual and unfortunately, this business stinks all to high heaven. Not even the Xenomorphs can save this one.

Again we have a spaceship, but this time it's colonists on their way to a planet when they receive a signal from a nearby planet and decide to investigate.

Yes, exactly the same beats as the first film. How nice.

The planet seems devoid of animal life and when two people get infected by some sort of fungal spores, they become instantly ill and in a matter of what seems minutes give birth two two bizarre Xenomorphs, one comes through the back and one out of the mouth.

Okay, so now apparently spores can do this and you don't need a facehugger anymore? Ridley, do you even 'Alien'?

They are rescued by android David, who apparently is back in one piece after having been torn apart in 'Prometheus'. No Elizabeth Shaw, though. Or well, she is here, but not in the way you think. It is quickly revealed that David killed the Engineers on this planet with the black goo-bombs. He has also been experimenting on local wildlife, killing it all. He has this weird, almost homo-erotic relationship with Walter, the android from the new ship. This is a little strange, because they are both played by Michael Fassbender. Only Walter has a very thick and unfitting American accent. I guess no one thought viewers would be smart enough to keep them apart if they didn't speak in vastly different voices.

Sure, viewers are all idiots. Thank you.

David lures the captain to a room full of eggs and even though the captain was holding David at gunpoint because he was protecting one of the earlier Xenomorphs after it killed a crewmember, the captain STILL LOOKS INSIDE THE EGG WHEN DAVID TELLS HIM TO!

Morons gotta moron, I guess.

In a matter of minutes, a Xenomorph bursts out, already looking much too large and developed. Ridley, do you even 'Alien', part 2?

This Xenomorph is killed off when the remaining crew escapes, together with Walter. But for some strange reason, there's suddenly a second Xenomorph on board. Where did it come from? Who was the host? Why wasn't it seen earlier? The film doesn't care, so why should you? Here's a shower scene with some gore. Aren't you happy now?

Oh, and Walter turns out to be David. The end.

Bloody hell, this film pisses me off to no end. For starters: nothing makes sense. That people make stupid decisions from time to time, thàt I can accept. But these top of the line crewmembers are all idiots. The new 'Ripley' is completely uninteresting and has nothing on Sigourney Weaver. Heck, I can't even remember her name most of the time. The entire David/Walter storyline could have had promise, but it is immediately ruined by the clear fact that everyone should see David is a complete psycho. Mirroring Ash from the first one? Not quite. But again, nice callback, Ridley...

But what really, REALLY gets me, is how shameless everything is brought back to the Xenomorphs, only without an ounce of tension and especially forgetting everything the first two films set up about pretty much everything concerning the aliens. The lifecycle here makes no sense, now also spores can create aliens and I haven't mentioned the worst part.

Remember how in the first one they discovered the derelict ship with the space jockey? And how it was thousands of years old? And how we eventually surmised that the ship crashlanded with these bioweapons because the civilization that made them wanted to do away with them?

Forget all that. You know where they came from?

David made them.

Yes, you read that correctly.

The mystical, mysterious and awesome Xenomorphs are the product of an insane android's tinkering. And don't give me that crap about how this is supposed to be an alternate universe. Then Scott should have stuck to his 'Prometheus'-ideas and not suddenly incorporate the real Xenomorphs again. And there is some gore in this one, but it feels like a quick cashgrab, something to win over the fans who didn't like 'Prometheus': "Look people, this time, we have aliens ànd blood and guts! You'll love it!"

How about: "No."?