When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth (1970)

Hammer Films and dinosaurs, what could possibly go wrong?

Well, several things, to be honest. Even if that doesn't take away the fun shlockfest this is. Also: sometimes this is a little slog-fest as well, but I'll explain in a short while.

Dinosaurs and cavemen were all the rage at a certain point. Forget all about historical accuracy, let the fun commence. We've already had 'One Million Years BC' with the gorgeous Raquel Welch, so naturally this one tries roughly the same idea, but this time with Italian actress Victoria Vetri.

Alas, on several points, this one falls short of the other one. But first, let's talk plot, shall we?

In order to appease the sun and to make it rises, blonde girls are sacrificed by a tribe. But when they try to sacrifice miss Vetri, something goes wrong. There's a new celestial body in the sky as the moon is being formed.

What was that about scientific accuracy again?

She escapes and is found by Tara from another tribe. He is instantly smitten by this mysterious blonde and ignores his darkhaired girl. And you know you shouldn't scorn the ladies, don't you? For some strange reason, Sanna's tribe are hellbent on finding and sacrificing her, as they believe it's her fault the weird thing in the sky is visible. She escapes, befriends a dinosaur, disappears for a while, runs into Tara, they have sex, he leaves, she is discovered again, he is captured, she frees him, they escape, bad guys die in a massive tidal wave.

Really, that's about all there is in this film and all that happens.

The good? Well, the stop motion dinosaurs are wonderful. There are some shots with monitor lizards and alligators with crests glued to their bodies, but I'm fairly certain those are stock footage from other films. It does make the effects feel disjointed, especially considering the stop motion is really well done. Miss Vetri is a lot of fun in the role, as she is able to portray a certain innocence and maintain that. Also: she is hot.

I'm sorry, but that helps sell a film like this. And for some strange reason, most cavewomen were hot, clean and had a nice, white set of teeth. Who knew?

To be fair, her blonde wig is sometimes a little too obvious in certain shots, mostly when she has to swim, but you can't have it all.

But there are also downsides to this one. The story is too thin to keep you invested the whole time. It's also rather silly how Sanna's tribesmen are so bent on her destruction. You'd think they'd give up after a while, but if they did, the film would have been quite a bit shorter. Furthermore, the mixing of special effects and stock footage gives the whole a rather disjointed feel that grates.

Don't get me started on the made up language. You'll have had enough of the incessant 'Yokita!" and "Akita!" they shout. It's as though their language only has two words. Other people who know this one will probably heartily agree.

I'm not saying I dislike this one, heck, it's got dinosaurs and gorgeous women: what's not to like? (and no, I'm not a sexist pig, but we all like to watch beautiful people. Be honest.) But I can't sit here and say this is a must see. It's slow and has too many faults to be likeable for most viewers. I'd only recommend this to hardcore dinosaur- and stop motion-lovers.

Now let's chant "Akita!" some more.