The 13th Warrior (1999)

Could this very well be one of my favourite films of all time?

Yes, it could.

Does this also mean my talking about it will be slightly biased?

These are reviews, what do you expect is going to happen? Someone is going to be all neutral about everything? On the internet?

Anyway, I digress.

For those not in the know, 'The 13th Warrior' is based on a book by Michael Crichton called 'Eaters of the Dead'. Crichton also wrote 'The Andromeda Strain' and a little known volume called 'Jurassic Park'. You might have heard of that last one. It has dinosaurs in it.

If you think this will be a period piece, you are slightly, ever so slightly mistaken. Sure, there are historical elements to this film, but it would be wisest to consider this an action fantasy. That way, there is no one that can grumble and complain about inaccuracies, of which there are of course a plenty.

Antonio Banderas plays an Arab nobleman who is 'sentenced' to become ambassador to a land in the barbarian wastes where he runs across a group of Northmen. They are called upon to trek north and fight an ancient evil. There have to be thirteen warriors, of which the last one must not be a Northmen. Hence, the Arab is in the right place at the right time, even though he might not feel that way at first.

The story is fairly thin, but what makes this film work so well is the fact that director John McTiernan cuts and trims all the fat and leaves only the essential adventure. That means this film moves at a relentless pace and you will never feel a moment where the attention will start to slip, even in the quieter or more intense scenes where there might not be a lot happening. The runtime never ever feels bloated and that does not happen all too often.

Actingwise, there is also a lot of fun to be had. Banderas is great at playing the fish out of water who nevertheless adapts to and befriends this band of ruffians who laugh and live hard and do feel like a realistic portrayal of a band of warriors. Do not bother about their names, in all fairness, they are hardly ever mentioned and they also do not matter that much. There is hardly anyone who remembers that Banderas' closest friend is called Herger. You will know that their leader is called Buliwyf, because his name is uttered several times during important moments. They do all look distinct, and that comes in handy, because if all these guys were huge and blond and bearded, it would like like searching for a Viking Waldo and in any close scenes they would start to look like a ruffled up shaggy carpet.

The action is believable and slightly chaotic, just like it would be. There is no one who is like a clichéd superhero and they all suffers cuts, bruises and death. That makes the mission all the more gripping. After the first battle, they already have to mourn two losses and in the very end, only five remain. Well, actually eventually four, but still.

The best scene is probably the one during the travel north, where Banderas is trying to learn the strange language and eventually surprises all of the Northmen by semi-fluently answering an insult with an even better insult. Watch it a couple of times, it gets better the more you see it and notice the subtleties.

One thing this film also has going for it, is the high quotability of many lines. Several are played for laughs, but instead of being the slapstick-y kind, they come across as jabs amongst brethren, which again works becuase the dynamic of the group is made so believable. Not every character is nice or friendly, but this feels more like a genuine group of people instead of a band of 'heroes'. These guys have a gritty job to do and they set out to do it.

I could go on and on about setpieces, cinematography, music and the like, but in all honesty that would seem rather superfluous.

Just go and see this one. And then join me in re-enacting complete scenes, dialoguewise.

"My name is Ahmed ibn Fahdlan, ibn Abbas, ibn Rachid, ibn Hammad, and things were not always thus..."