2-Headed Shark Attack (2012)

For all intents and purposes, this is indeed a film about a shark. Which has two heads. And it attacks people.

You would probably think that is all there is to say about this film. You are probably right.

But because I like to wax a little further about all things film related, bear with me, because there is more to tell about a seemingly innocuous trip down monsterland. Or in this case, something that occasionally resembles an ocean. Allow me to explain further.

You see, there is a great joy to be found in films that do not take themselves seriously and very often, a film that is utterly bad can be so entertaining that it turns into a true delight for all the wrong reasons. That is also the way that one can absolutely enjoy a piece of shlock.

This however, is not one of those films.

If you are somewhat familiar with low budget filmmaking, you probably know of The Asylum, a company (I do use the term rather loosely) that churns out one film after another without barely any budget to speak of and they still make a profit because of the straight-to-video idea. If about three thousand people worldwide buy a copy, they have undoubtedly recovered their costs for one film. So in a sense, this is a solid marleting strategy.

On the surface (ha ha, sometimes I crack myself up thinking of this sort of joke) the idea for this one is pretty nifty. There is a shark with two heads and it will eat some people. We all already know that this is not going to be 'Jaws'. Heck, this one is not even 'Jaws - The Revenge'. A bold statement, you say? Allow me to iterate even more.

There is no star power. None. Sure, you probably still know of model Carmen Electra. She has barely any lines (and some are shamelessly recycled footage) and is just there for a quite pointless sunbathing scene that goes nowhere and just shows off her assets. Which are, in all honesty, still quite nice. I guess plastic does not age indeed. The real star of the film is supposed to be Brooke Hogan, daughter of the legendary Hulk Hogan. She does her best with the lines she is given, but I keep mentally drawing a handlebar moustache on her face and thinking she is going to bodyslam the shark at some point, which would be a much better film than we eventually got.

You hear me, The Asylum? Make 'Wrestlers Versus Sharks' a thing. And then bury it.

Everyone else is bland, boring or downright irritating and you will gladly enjoy the bodycount as more and more obnoxious characters get eaten by the titular beasty. Usually in pairs, because two heads. (See how clever that is? Boy, that is clever.) But you can not really blame the 'actors' for this. Their lines are not only stupid, but often seem to be thought of at the spot. It takes skill to improvise and that is a skill the makers of this film sorely lacked. Also, a script would have probably been nice to have.

The special effects are something to behold. And then never to be held of again. There is a practical effect of the double shark head, which they hardly ever show because it looks like somebody split a grey turd in half. The teeth make no sense and obviously bend as the comfortable rubber they are and the skin seems to be cheap plastic, which it is. That is what you get when you skimp on the special effects budget, you bastards!

The shark does growl, though. A lot. Which is a rather dazzling feat, considering sharks have nothing that even resembles vocal chords.

Have I mentioned the CGI? Oh lords, the CGI... Forget that they recycle the same four shots about fifty times, sometimes flipped so you might be tricked into thinking it was a new shot... if you are blind, that is, but the shark wildly varies in size. It usually seems to be about the size of a large Great White, but sometimes it is the size of a moderate yacht and othertimes it can sneak up on and kill people in about three feet of water. Which is what happens in one scene that has pointless boobies and pointless lesbian kissing, because if your film sucks, boobs will make it go down easier, right? (How about: 'No.') Most films have never been better because you throw in ladyparts. Would 'Basic Instinct' have been a worse film without the T&A? Not if the story was solid. It was, by the way, even though the only thing most people remember about that particular movie is Sharon Stone inadvertently showing off her most intimate of regions because the film thought it could.

Besides the shark, the island this fodder is stranded on is supposed to be an atol that sinks into the ocean (Why? The makers do not know why, so why should you? Stop asking questions, silly rabbit!), but too many shots give away that they are on a large island with several other large landmasses in sight, so good luck keeping up your suspension of disbelief, people.

In the end, two people survive of an original cast of about fifteen. They are Brooke (I can not even remember the character's names, except for a complete arsehat named Cole, who is probably my least favourite character in any film ever, except for that fifth zebra on the left during 'The Lion King''s opening sequence. Sod that zebra.) and the token geeky guy who literally knows everything and is far more knowledgeable than the so called professor. Did I mention these thirtysomethings are all supposed to be college students? Not that it matters, because the studytrip looks more like a booze cruise to start with. I am truly surprised they did not make easy jokes when they were studying a sextant, almost as if the makers thought thàt would be too easy and lowbrow for this film. In all honesty, it would have been a highlight. The only highlight we have now is the mental image of a female version of Hulk Hogan and that is simply because I mentioned it and now it will not go away. Sweet dreams.

Does '2-Headed Shark Attack' have no redeeming values in the end?

Yes, it does.

It ends.